


Spare To The Spare

by some_mad_lunge



Series: When You Left Me Behind [2]
Category: Bridgerton (TV), Bridgerton Series - Julia Quinn
Genre: And let’s be real, Angst, F/M, Regency Romance, Some fluff too, We love him anyway, but Colin is still an idiot, no beta we die like men, slowish burn, the man is a goner for her, there is no marina
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:42:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29875827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/some_mad_lunge/pseuds/some_mad_lunge
Summary: For once Colin comes home and doesn’t like how the view has changed. More importantly he can’t understand why it had to.(Some moments Colin goes through during Penelope’s journey in Mistress Of Choice.)
Relationships: Colin Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington
Series: When You Left Me Behind [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2196522
Comments: 49
Kudos: 242





	1. An Unwelcome Home

There is nothing Collin loved more than coming home. Many would think that his lust to see the world meant he’d rather be anywhere else than on British soil. They would be wrong. Branches reached toward the sky but without roots the tree would wither away.

And it was nice to be missed.

Getting to Number 5 was the only thing he could think of when his boots hit ground after days on a ship. The trip had been an easy one, calm waters and bright skies. Greece had been a joy, warm and decedent days followed by mysterious and somewhat risky nights. 

Colin never did share all the stories of his travels. He was no scoundrel but the less his mother knew of gambling dens and the occasional night spent alone under the stars the better.

Colin was well aware how lucky he was, a man of wealth with little to no responsibility. Yet with his siblings settling down and procreating at alarming rates he knew his mother, or even worse Lady Dansbury, would be after him to find a wife.

He was more afraid his older brothers would join their voices to the chorus. Anthony and Benedict would not be so easily brushed aside.

He’d timed his arrival well. Half the season was underway, which meant most of the ladies already had their eye on a prize that was not himself. Colin would be able to enjoy his usual routine of drinks with the men, a dance or two, and hopefully a bit of gossip with his favourite redhead. 

He’d thought of Penelope often on his most recent adventure. She always seems captivated by his stories, willing to listen long after Eloise rolled her eyes and walked away. Plus she was the best dancing partner a bachelor could hope for, a turn about the room without a worry you could be leading a woman to disappointment. He’d even debated writing to her once after witnessing the most glorious sunrise, the colours matching her hair and the particular bright yellow of a dress he’d seen her in once. Yet they’d never corresponded before and when he had paper in hand he had felt somewhat silly. She no doubt had better things to occupy her mind than his musings. 

He’d written to Eloise instead, she always responded quickly and Penelope almost always made an appearance in her letters.

Yes, it was good to be home with no firm plans for the foreseeable future. Best of all he’d not informed anyone he was due back, Colin greatly loved a surprise.

He hired a carriage and at barely mid morning he was bounding up the steps he knew like the back of his hand. Colin stepped inside, holding his finger to his lips so the footman wouldn’t say a word. He knew where he’d find most of his family if they were at home.

He raced to the family sitting room, the absentminded press of piano keys twinkling in the air. He threw open the door, and welcomed the shocked chaos that only Colin returning from his latest adventure could bring.

After he’d been fawned over, fed repeatedly and settled back into regular life he tired of hearing his own voice. The one thing about traveling alone is you get fed up with your own company. With his two sister-in-laws away with their children he decided to enjoy a quiet night with his mother, elder brothers and younger sister over an informal dinner. 

Eloise did not seem her normal self but no one seemed to notice the unusual lacklustre tone to her voice, the missing mischief in her eyes. It wasn’t until they were finishing their meal when Colin tried to engage some of the life out of her.

“What news of the Featheringtons? Felicity is recently married, is she not?” Colin had known the Featherington women for as long as he could remember but they all faded into one person in his mind. Except, of course, for Penelope. “I imagine Mrs. Featherington has been boasting about her daughter’s match long after the nuptials.”

An eerie silence stretched out before him, all eyes turning to Eloise who looked mutely down at her plate, pushing her pudding around.

“Yes, just last Friday. It was a beautiful ceremony.” Violet Bridgerton looked worriedly at her daughter. “There have been many changes since you left us last, Colin.”

What was one wedding compared to another? It didn’t concern him. Penelope’s mother was a bizarre and unkind woman. The entire ton knew how she felt about one daughter in particular. Colin would hope that such a happy occasion would give Eloise’s friend some peace, at least for a while.

“When is Penelope next coming for tea? I have an amusing tale involving a street merchant I know she will particularly enjoy.” 

“Penelope is in Bath.” Eloise looked up at him. “She left the day after the wedding.”

“I wasn’t aware she had family there.” Colin caught Benedict’s grimace out of the corner of his eye and felt something sickly crawl up his spine. “When shall she return?”

“Miss Featherington won’t be returning. She received an inheritance that has allowed her to set up a home for herself there while her mother retired to the country to dote on her grandchildren.” Anthony pushed back his chair to stand from the table. “Mother, would you like…”

“What do you mean _set up a home_? With whom?” Colin felt hot under his ascot, his heart beating surprisingly fast against his ribcage. “Surely not _alone.”_

“Yes, Colin. Alone.” Eloise eyed him visciously. “I miss her dearly but at least she has escaped the vipers of the ballroom.”

She stood as well, Colin confused as to how everyone was acting so casually over the matter.

“With no protection?” He felt a hand on his shoulder but shook it off. “Eloise, how could you let her do such a thing?”

“Colin!” His mother’s voice barely broke through the fog of confusion he found himself in.

“You are her dearest friend, you must have warned her that…”

“You think I did not wish her to stay? I asked Anthony to allow her to reside with us but she refused.” Eloise stuck out her chin. “No one misses her presence more than I.”

“This is ridiculous…” Colin wasn’t able to say more, Benedict’s arms hauling him from his chair and pushing him from the room. “Ben, what is the meaning of…”

“Don't be an idiot brother, at least not until the ladies are out of sight.” Anthony hissed it at him, shoving him into the study and shutting the door behind him.

“Bad show.” Benedict leaned against the door with a disapproving scowl. “Eloise and mother, not to mention the rest of the family acutely feel the loss of our _friend._ Your temper tantrum is not helping anyone.”

Colin narrowed his eyes at the word, which did not in any way describe what Penelope was to him...his family...to himself and his family. Exactly that. 

Benedict just cocked his eyebrow and offered up nothing else. Colin turned his frustration to his eldest brother. If anyone should have come to Penelope’s aid it should have been the Viscount.

“So this is all you know? She has moved away and that is that?” Colin curled his hands into fists, resisted the urge to swing at something or someone. “We are all aware how lowly her mother thinks of her. Someone should have interfered and it should have been us.”

“Us? I didn’t realize you were so involved in the affairs of our _friends_ while you were on another grand escapade.” Anthony gave him a warning look to watch his mouth as if Colin was 15 years old all over again.

“Colin, we were just as concerned but she was resolute. She assured us she would have a comfortable home and sufficient income.” Benedict made his way to the bar cart, lifted a bottle of brandy to pour them each a glass. “What more could we do? As much as we consider her a great _friend_ she is not family.”

Why did they keep using that word? As if Penelope could be summed up so easily as that. 

“But what of the ton? Lady Whistledown no doubt destroyed her reputation upon her departure.” 

Colin had found the mysterious writer amusing, if not occasionally vexing. Yet society was ruthless, no more so than during the marriage season.

Anthony accepted the amber filled glass Benedict handed his way.

“Lady Whistledown is dead.”

Anthony raised his glass to his lips.

“Dead? But who...”

“So there is nothing to be concerned over.”

Anthony took a seat on the arm of his club chair, oddly looking at Benedict to take over. 

What in the hell was going on? Colin had been gone but a few months, and usually everything was exactly the same when he returned. Maybe an addition to his family born, not a loss of someone so…

“Everything is right as rain.” Benedict took his own seat, smirked at him knowingly. His brothers were acting as if there was some secret they had yet to share. He found it infuriating. “And now that you’re home it might be time to find yourself a wife.”

Now he was angry, and Colin wasn’t used to that emotion. He rarely, if ever, experienced it. He charmed himself out of most situations and was the most laid back of the Bridgertons. Yet it seemed he was the only one not grasping the seriousness of this situation.

Had they all taken leave of their senses?

“How can you even think of such a thing at this moment when Penelope is out in the world right now, very much alone and at the mercy of who knows what.” 

Colin was aware he was basically yelling at this point, but decorum be damned. 

“It is Bath, brother, not the back alleys of…”

“That is hardly the point, Benedict!”

Colin surprised them all when he picked up the lone brandy filled glass on the tray and threw it into the blazing fire. 

After the glass shattered and the fire hissed Colin found himself breathing heavy, a tightness in his chest clamping down on him. Anthony went to stand but Benedict held out his hand to stop him.

“What would you have us do, Colin?” His brother's voice was soothing, the way it had been when Colin had fallen from a tree and gashed his leg as a child. “What’s done is done.”

Well, it should be undone. It never should have transpired in the first place. If he’d been here he would have made Penelope see the error of her decision. He would have stressed how welcome she was in their home, that she was cared for and admired by himself and…

“Well?”

Anthony pulled him from his thoughts. 

“Did you at least verify this inheritance, that she had enough to sustain herself on? Her family has no great fortune. She could be living in destitution!”

The idea made Colin sick, trepidation filled his stomach. Penelope’s bright smile washed away by hardship and strife, while her family no doubt never gave her a second thought. It would not do.

“Like I said before, she assured us…”

“Anthony, this is Penelope Featherington we speak of. She has never complained in her life of the lack we all know she has endured. She would never wound Eloise with the truth. She is too caring and selfless for such a thing.”

Colin watched Benedict and Anthony share a pointed look once again, if he wasn’t so enraged he would call them out on it. 

“Fine. If you will not then I will.” 

Colin threw up his hands at the uselessness of them both. 

“Do not be ridiculous, Colin. You do not have the means to do so discreetly. Does not someone so dear to _us_ deserve privacy?”

Colin was going to punch Benedict square in the jaw, and took two steps forward to do so when Anthony was there at his side to grab his shoulder.

“Stop this. You are not yourself.” His elder brother squeezed and pulled him into a half hug. “If it is of such importance to you then I will see what I can discover. I will inquire if Simon can be of assistance.”

Colin nodded, suddenly very weary indeed.

“I think you need rest, it has been a long day and this news has obviously upset you…”

“It should upset us all!” Colin pulled himself out of his brother’s hold. “How can none of you see that?”

“Colin, you cannot expect that life will stop for you because you aren’t here to witness it.”

Benedict took another slow sip from his glass. He looked seriously unruffled but his eyes said something loud and clear. He had always been able to tell Colin anything with a stare. This message unhinged him.

_You stupid, stupid boy._

“First thing in the morning I will make inquiries. I assure you.” Anthony reached for him again but Colin made his way to the door, a feeling of helplessness making his hands shake.

“It better be the news you expect or I swear I will never forgive either of you.” 

Colin slammed the door behind himself and suppressed the overwhelming desire he had to call for his horse and make haste for Bath immediately.

He shook his head. She was well, she had to be. And if she wasn’t then they would find out and they would bring her back home.

_Where she belongs._

He collected himself enough to find his mother and Eloise, offering his sister an apology and his mother a kiss goodnight on her cheek. Eloise just sniffed at him in disgust while his mother gazed at him worriedly. As if Colin was the one acting completely irrationally.

What had happened to everyone in his absence?

Finally he made his way to his room. Usually the prospect of a night in his own bed was a welcome one. Almost always upon his return he would sleep like the dead, the comfort of home settling through him and carrying him off into peaceful slumber.

Instead he laid in the dark, his eyes closed but still seeing cheerful blue eyes, flaming hair and the sweetness that was Penelope lost and alone. 

Worst still he was overcome with the sickening feeling that something precious had been ripped from his hands when he hadn’t been looking.

_You stupid, stupid boy._

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And away we go!


	2. Truth and Consequence

In the many days since Colin had been home he had not made himself great company, or company really at all. Outside of his family he didn’t see anyone in society, let alone leave Number 5. He could only use the excuse of fatigue after travel for so long. The evening before his mother had informed him he would be attending the theatre with her whether he was inclined to or not.

He may have huffed like a petulant child but Violet Bridgerton was a force of will when she had leave to be. Colin had gone, smiled when it was expected and let his mother parade him on her arm. He’d not paid any attention to the stage, a love story that made his hands clench and his head ache. He didn’t breathe easy until he was safely in his room once again.

His mother wasn’t the only one who was confused by Colin’s dark mood. 

Eloise had forgiven her brother for his remarks about Penelope over dinner but the two of them both seemed out of sorts without the redhead in attendance. His sister had lost the companionship of her dearest friend and he had lost...

The problem was that Colin had never been well versed in hiding his emotions, he’d never really had to before. For him life was one adventurous moment to the next, doing mostly what he liked when the mood struck him. It wasn’t that Colin never experienced disappointment or loss before. His father had died and that had left a hole that could never be filled. Grief and pain he knew but this wasn’t the same. He’d never experienced this before.

Moreover he’d never experienced an emotion he could not put a name to. 

When he was around his family, chatty Daphne and eventually the return of his in-laws, he wanted the solace of his room. Alone he ached for company, only to find those available lacking. Colin loved his family, adored them most days, but their idle conversation or small dramas were minuscule to the torrent of everything swirling around in him unchecked.

He could not describe it if asked, not that anyone did. Anthony watched him warily while Benedict seemed to speak in riddles that made his head spin. For once Colin did not feel as if he knew himself and that would simply not do.

No word had been spoken about Penelope Featherington and her situation, or if it was his brothers made sure he was unaware of it. He trusted them enough to know they would share what they knew when they knew it. The wait, however, was only making the storm inside of him stronger.

Colin was a ship without a port. Usually when this feeling overtook him he would plan his next trip or drink too much at the club. This time neither held any appeal. He didn’t know what to do with himself, and he did not know where to turn.

He told himself he just needed to know that Penelope was safe and then he could think of something else, go back to his life of distractions. 

Due to all the confoundedly unexpected feelings he did his best not to think. Everytime he tried to unravel the knot in his stomach it filled him with a fear that had him reaching for a glass of something to dull his brain. Plus it was the only way he was able to sleep most nights.

Finally that morning Benedict woke him with a few affectionate slaps to the face and informed Colin they were going for a morning ride. The last thing he wanted to do was parade through the park amongst the ton but he’d been given enough grace from them all. For that he should be grateful. If he hid as much as he had for any longer there would be talk, even with Lady Whistledown dead and buried.

The sun was shining and the air was brisk, it did help his mood somewhat. Benedict made idle chit chat, mostly about his children and Colin felt almost normal again. For a while he wondered why he was so unsettled in the first place. It was fleeting once he saw the flash of bright yellow in a passing carriage and pulled his horse to a full stop.

“It is not her brother, Lady Hamilton I believe.” Benedict’s voice was of some comfort for a moment before he pulled it his horse away. “Shall we return home?”

Colin only nodded, in a bit of a daze that he’d even tugged on the reigns to begin with. His instincts were in control and he did not understand them.

When they entered the house once again Colin meant to offer Benedict his thanks but they were met by Eloise reading a letter as she walked through the hall.

“Do watch where you are going sister, you are clumsy enough as it is.” Benedict clamped his hand on Colin’s shoulder but he couldn’t do more than grin back halfheartedly. “A missive from another admirer?”

Eloise rolled her eyes before sending a smirk her brother’s way.

“Penelope actually.”

Colin took a step forward, his hands wanting to grasp the letter from her hands and find out something, anything. Benedict’s hand held firm and kept him in place.

“Is she…” Colin cleared his suddenly dry throat. “Is she well?”

“Quite well and content in her new situation. She has made some friends that sound most intriguing.” She held the paper to her chest in triumph. “But you interrupted me before I could learn more.”

She continued on, Benedict removing his hold when a footman stepped towards them to take their hats.

“The Viscount has requested your attendance in his study where he and the Duke await you.”

Colin wished Benedict was still holding him up, his knees locking and that sickly feeling of dread he’d become accustomed to crept through him. He shook it off, unable once again to look too closely at it.

He could do nothing else but follow behind his brother, hopeful that only the best news awaited him. Penelope was fine, his newfound chivalry for a familiar acquaintance would dissipate and he would be himself once again.

The moment he stepped into Anthony’s study he knew that would not be the case.

His brother and Simon were standing close, whispering even in the private space. This could only mean one thing.

They didn’t want anyone, including servants, to overhear.

“What have you discovered?” 

Colin knew he sounded desperate, no doubt it was written all over his face. 

“Let us all take a seat, Ben the door please.” He didn’t notice his brother had a glass of brandy in his grasp until it was shoved into Colin’s hand. “Be calm, brother.”

Hearing that had the opposite outcome. Had not Eloise just stated Penelope was well and content? It surely could not be all that bad. Suddenly he didn’t want to know, he almost got back to his feet and rushed from the room. He had started this but how would he survive it?

_ What have you done to me, Penelope? And how? _

“I received word from my man just this morning.” Simon’s tone was even but his eyes were steel. “What he was able to discover leaves more questions than answers.”

“How so?” Benedict leaned forward on his knees, his gaze locking with Colin’s for a brief moment.

Simon ran a hand down his jacket to smooth nonexistent wrinkles and crossed his legs.

“The home, which is in Miss Featherington’s name, was purchased only six months ago. It had been empty for some time. All renovations were paid for through the solicitor, a Mr. Barnes. All expenses go through him as well as Miss Featherington’s quarterly allowance, which I am assured is quite a handsome sum.” Simon looked directly at Colin. “The home is stately, and she has staff. However, they could find no record of any relation of the Featherington’s recently passing or an aunt of any kind.”

But that made no sense whatsoever. In all scenes Colin had played in his mind, the brief times he’d allowed himself, he saw her in strife. He saw her in meager lodgings, in destitution. Maybe even taking up an occupation as a governess, hiding her true situation out of embarrassment. From the sound of things she was living a life of a well cared for widow, one that had never been wed.

Colin downed the content of his brandy glass, unable to absorb any of it.

“But how is that possible?” Colin looked between them all. Benedict was the only one who would not meet his eyes. “By what means is she able to live.”

Anthony took a deep breath.

“Simon and I have already agreed this conversation shall remain between the four of us and us alone. Miss Featherington is a dear friend to this family and her situation, as long as it remains concealed, need not be a concern to our reputation.” 

All eyes turned to him, and he knew they were saying something he once again did not comprehend.

“Of course, why would we ever…”

“Mr. Barnes is a well known solicitor, Colin.” The Duke looked to Anthony briefly. “He is sought out for his discretion and secrecy with sensitive matters. I had to pay a pretty penny for what I was able to discover. Whoever the gentleman is that is keeping the lady I am doubtful we will ever know.”

It was a bolt of lightning from the sky. The answer they were trying to make him see. No. No, she could not. She would not. Not Penelope, not the woman he knew her to be.

“No.” Colin shook his head and pushed himself to stand. He needed to move, his limbs were suddenly on fire. “No, it is not possible.”

“Brother, it is not uncommon for men of our lineage and means to marry for status and to have…” Anthony trailed off as Colin glared at him.

“I am well aware of what you are insinuating but this is Penelope.” Colin paced back and forth, his mind searching for another answer, any other answer. “No matter what her circumstances she would not succumb to such a low status. She would find other means, she would not do such a thing.”

“But for love, Colin? Would she not if she cared deeply for a man who offered her everything but his name?” 

Benedict’s words were like an ice bath poured over his head. Penelope, who stood in corners and watched other women asked to dance. Penelope, who took the tons dismissal in stride, always with a hopeful twinkle to her eye. Penelope, who Colin had seen watch the bliss between his siblings and their spouses with admiration and envy.

For love, Colin was certain Penelope would do just about anything. Even if it meant settling for this.

Why had he never thought of love and Penelope hand in hand? He realized instantly that she was made for it, her disposition and heart molded exactly for the act. What man, beholden to a wife or not, when he looked...really looked at her, would not see that? 

Colin had been blind to it, never seen it, never allowed himself to. Now it was in every recollection he had of her. Her sweet smiles and bright eyes. The joy of her laughter and weight of her hand in his when they danced. Even her curves were just begging for a man to caress them, her lips pink and plump and made to kiss.

While Colin had been chasing the world there was someone who saw all of her and snatched it away before he had a chance to realize…

“So that is the matter settled and we do not speak of it again, am I understood?” Anthony did not wait for a response, he believed his word was law and in this Colin did not disagree. “Now, Simon and I have some other business to attend to if you would be so kind as to give us the room.”

In a daze Colin put down his glass and followed Benedict out the door. 

“Colin, talk to me.” Benedict hissed at him. “I know...”

“How can you know?” Colin looked into eyes so much like his own and he had never felt so lost. “How can you know when even I don’t.”

But he did, dear God he finally did and having a name for the feeling did nothing to appease it. It somehow ached more, the knot now strangling him from the inside out.

He said no more, did not trust himself to hold it together. Benedict thankfully let him go, and he made haste to his room again. Once inside the safety of those walls he sat in his chair by the fire and put his head in his hands.

Somehow, someway and without his consent Colin’s heart had lost itself to Penelope Featherington. Then he’d been foolish enough to not see it until it was too late. The swell of pain inside him was almost too much to bear, words that had haunted him for days taking on a whole other meaning.

_ You stupid, stupid boy. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Colin...
> 
> Thank you remaining the best of readers and never ceasing to make me smile.
> 
> Be well, happy and safe.


	3. Enough

Colin took a turn around the room, nodded at a few gentlemen he knew who raised their glasses in warm regards. He plastered his newly acquired mask of false merriment in response, then turned his back and went once again to the matter at hand.

It was the last ball of the season and the last time Colin would have the chance to walk around the ton and play his least favourite game. 

_Who stole Penelope?_

The last three weeks had given him ample opportunity to throw himself into society and gauge every man of every status with a keen eye. Weirdly he felt closer to the woman he so dearly cared for by taking on her mantle of wallflower. He did not dance, he did not converse unless forced into it by his mother or siblings. Instead he watched and he hid, more importantly he listened.

It had become an obsession, deducing who had wooed such a woman when they were entirely unworthy. Who had captured Penelope’s heart when they should have asked for her hand?

Colin knew it was nonsensical, mad even, but he was undeterred. Something deep inside had to know, clawed at him to discover the scoundrel and call him out. To hold him by the neck and demand…what he did not know. He didn’t allow himself to plan that far ahead. He would root out the bastard and take it from there.

Early on he ruled out all unattached gentlemen as well as those above a certain age. That cut his mental list in half. After that he was left to decipher who amongst society were in unhappy or loveless unions. That list was much larger than he had anticipated. It saddened him and enraged him in equal measure.

In a world of champagne glasses, dripping jewels and candlelight there was not much affection to be found. It allowed him more respect for his siblings’ unions but made his own future all the more bleak.

How could he ever marry now? It was not a possibility, not with his soul wrapped up in another. He would not be like the many men he’d discovered over gossip at the club, the ones who counted the days until they could leave their wife’s side for their lover’s bed.

Colin had always assumed that one day he would wed, have children and settle down in the country. It was always an abstract idea, a dream he did not wish for but saw as an eventuality.

Now he wanted nothing more and it was well beyond his reach. 

The irony was that the one person whose power of deduction he required for his current quest was lost to him. No doubt Penelope would have discovered the gentleman within a week. With a perturbed roll of her eyes and a sigh she would have shared the secret with him over a glass of lemonade. 

How had he never fully appreciated how clever she was? 

The night had barely begun but Colin was already tired, so very weary and no closer to discovering who he wished to duel to the death. He did not sleep much. He spent most nights torturing himself with the memory of Penelope’s face and the fear that he might one day forget it altogether.

He almost asked Benedict to draw her from memory. A scrap of paper Colin could unfold and fall into when he needed to most. He knew he could not see her again, not without begging at her feet and making a prized fool of himself. He would chance it if he could allow himself to hope, but he knew better.

Penelope Featherington did not love fleetingly. She had proven that time and time again in her devotion to her family as well as his own. To be loved by her was a gift not easily bestowed and he knew that she must love whoever this man was greatly. 

The familiar ache had him rubbing at his chest, looking for space and somewhere to breathe. A waltz was starting and that stole enough attention that he could slip out the doors to the gardens. He barely took two steps when he spotted his brother sneaking a cigarette under the cover of darkness. 

Colin strolled to him casually, said nothing but took the offering from Benedict’s hand. He inhaled deeply, imagined the smoke filling the cracks within his heart before it escaped again into the night.

“So, are you hiding or were you seeking out my council?” Even in the shadows Colin could see the pained expression on his brother’s face. “If you like we can not speak and you may return to avoiding me at all costs.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie. Colin had thrown himself into society in his quest to find the villain of his story. Of course he had been around his brothers, more so than not, but he had ensured never to be alone in Benedict’s company. After the news of Penelope’s situation Colin could do nothing but cradle his bleeding heart and plot revenge. 

His brother would see reason, his brother would know what to say because he knew Colin too well. He did not wish to be told to move on or to let go. Moreover he knew there was no point in trying. 

Yet tonight he was weak, in desperate need for comfort and solace. When this evening ended there would be no more distraction and Colin had no answers and no plan. 

He’d never felt so aimless and alone in his entire life, not even when he’d wander the world very much on his own.

Colin sighed and bumped their shoulders together in an unspoken apology.

“There are truths you would speak that I am not ready to hear.” Colin handed back the cigarette and leaned helplessly against the stone railing. “I may never be.”

Benedict blew more smoke, quiet as another couple exited the ball and moved to the other side of the veranda.

“And what truth did you think I would impart brother?”

“That I should let it lie, that I should move on. That I am fool for being blind for so long and this is my punishement.”

Benedict hummed in response, handing the cigarette back to Colin. It reminded him of their younger days, hiding the filthy habit from their mother in the back garden.

“Colin, you should know me better than that.” Benedict turned his head to look him in the eye. “If I had been allowed I would have asked you one very simple question.”

Colin could do nothing but raise his eyebrow as a sign for Benedict to continue. He watched his brother sigh as he dropped the cigarette to the ground and squashed the embers with his boot.

“Do you love her enough?”

Colin wondered briefly if Benedict had always known, maybe had even known longer than even Colin did. It was a silly thought, of course he had.

“Enough?” Colin dared to say it aloud for the first time. “I cannot imagine loving someone more.”

“But is it enough to fight for? To make yourself a fool over?” Benedict crossed his arms. “Is it enough that if you could have her now it would not matter what came before.”

_Yes._

“Brother, I would burn the world down if she asked it of me.” Colin lifted his eyes to the sky. “If I could be hers nothing else, past or future, would matter.”

Benedict smiled at him, a tinge of pride on his face.

“Then I believe you know what must be done, if you have the courage to do it.” A warm arm pulled Colin closer, always the consoling big brother when needed. 

He didn’t have a second to think, let alone respond when Eloise came stomping out and huffing towards them.

“There you are!” She was clearly annoyed at them, which wasn’t a new disposition for their sister. “I feel unwell and wish to go home, Mother will not let me leave unaccompanied.”

Colin forgot sometimes how grown his sister was. Eloise had always waged war against the limitations of her gender but now he saw how truly confined she was. Her and Penelope both with so few paths to travel. At least Eloise had always enjoyed wealth and connections on her side.

“Allow me, I am done with the evening.” Colin grinned at Benedict as they shared an eye roll at their sister’s dramatics. “I will think on...things.”

For now he settled in the distraction of finding his mother, then bustling Eloise out for a silent carriage ride home. It was clear they both didn’t wish to engage in conversation. 

Finally home he stopped Eloise on the stairwell. She did in fact look quite pale and drawn.

“Are you sure you’ll be alright? Should we send for the doctor?” 

“It is just a headache, Colin. I will be fine after some sleep.” She hurried up the steps before turning back to him suddenly. “You know I love you dearly right?”

He blinked at her. Of course he knew, but it was rarely ever said so bluntly.

“Are you sure you are not dying?” Colin laughed at the narrowing of her eyes. “I love you too. Go rest.”

He watched her rush up the stairs with an odd feeling that he should follow her, make sure she was indeed as fine as she said she was. She did not seem herself. Then again, who was he to judge? He had not been himself in ages. 

Colin found his way to the library and sat in front of a freshly lit fire. He poured himself a drink yet did nothing but swirl the liquid in its glass as he looked into the flames.

_Do you love her enough?_

Who was he to know what love felt like for others, he was not well versed in the feeling. He’d read enough poems to comprehend it in a way but to Colin he’d not expected it to be so all encompassing. 

Since the instant he realized how deeply his feelings for Penelope went he was already drowning. He had nothing but memories, they all bled together into a bright shining sun that blinded him. She was there every time he shut his eyes, a phantom that disappeared the moment he looked over his shoulder. Still he felt her with him in every moment, figments of her crashing over him in waves.

There was her gentleness, which she used to hide her inner strength. There was the way she would laugh, mouth hidden behind her hand as her eyes twinkled. Making Penelope smile had never failed to make Colin feel 10 feet tall. All the times he’d caught her eye across a room and for a brief moment she would bite her lip before looking down. Something possessive would flash in him, but he would whisk it away like lint from a jacket. The one time he’d seen her with tears in her eyes, the heat of anger so intense he’d been ready for battle. Instead Eloise had rushed her friend from the room and Colin had simply let it go.

What was enough? 

He wanted her with him but he desired her happiness more. He wanted her safe from all who would harm her and would rather die than be the object of her pain. He would take any and all of her he was allowed, and he wanted her to know that.

Did it matter to him that right now she could be in the arms of another, giving freely of herself to…

Jealousy curled in his stomach, made his jaw clench. But it did nothing to change her in his eyes, she would never be anything but perfect to him. Perfect for him.

And who was he?

Colin was a man of action, he chased his dreams and his desires. Maybe they had been childish in the past but he knew that when tested there was nothing he couldn’t accomplish. Whether by charm or by wits he always succeeded. On the few occasions he hadn’t he was comforted by the notion that at least he had tried.

Colin smiled at the flames that lept before him, a reminder of all he had allowed himself to lose and everything he hoped to gain. Fool or not his heart was certain and therefore so would be his action.

He rang for a servant, felt a smidge of guilt for the late hour. When a footman appeared Colin’s voice did not waiver.

“Please inform my valet that he is required at first light.” Colin smiled at the thought. “Tomorrow I leave for Bath.”  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was difficult. I see Colin as a singularly focused man. One who keeps himself occupied as to not look too deeply. I hope that was conveyed because everytime I tried to change it it didn’t feel right. Sometimes you put the story out there and hope it makes sense, even though you know it’s a chaotic chapter. But chaotic for a reason...and I’m rambling.
> 
> Thank you for all the wonderful comments and kudos, it is such a joy to share this fic with you. (When it isn’t making my brain implode)
> 
> Also this fic is very much going to avoid overlapping scenes from the previous work. There might be a few moments here or there but I want to show Colin’s journey through this without mirroring the other one too much. If that makes sense.
> 
> Anyway our man is dumb but we love him.
> 
> Be well and safe!

**Author's Note:**

> And away we go!


End file.
